Imagine this scenario: "I'm going to drink this poison and I'm going to kill that fellow."
A bizarre and grim statement, isn't it? Yet, this is how I often feel when my clients refuse to forgive their abusive partners. In their minds, holding onto anger feels like a form of justice, a refusal to let the person who wronged them off the hook. But in reality, holding onto resentment and pain is akin to drinking poison while hoping the other person suffers.
This analogy isn’t just a catchy phrase. It's an emotional reality that I encounter frequently in my work as a coach specializing in helping people heal from abusive relationships. Forgiveness is often misunderstood as condoning the actions of the abuser, but in truth, it has little to do with the other person and everything to do with the one who has been wronged. Let’s explore why forgiving someone is crucial for personal healing, growth, and mental well-being, and how, contrary to popular belief, it doesn't mean excusing or reconciling with the person who caused harm.
What Forgiveness Is (And What It Is Not)
When I talk to my clients, I tell them, "If you don’t want to forgive, it’s okay. If you don’t want to forget, that’s okay too." But before they make that decision, I encourage them to understand what forgiveness really means.
Forgiveness does not mean accepting the abusive behavior. It doesn’t imply that what was done to you is somehow acceptable, nor does it mean you should reconcile or maintain a relationship with your abuser. Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger, resentment, and pain that you are carrying inside yourself.
Holding onto these emotions might feel empowering at first, but over time, they become a heavy burden. They trap you in a cycle of bitterness, and worst of all, they prevent you from moving forward in your own healing journey. Forgiveness, in this context, is an act of self-liberation. It creates space within your heart and mind for healing, happiness, and positive emotions.
The Emotional Weight of Holding Grudges
When you hold a grudge, the negative emotions that come with it—anger, hatred, and resentment—consume a tremendous amount of energy. Researchers have consistently found that harboring unforgiveness leads to increased stress, anxiety, and even physical health problems like high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. According to a study by Dr. Frederic Luskin, Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, unforgiveness, especially when prolonged, keeps the body in a state of stress and triggers the release of harmful hormones like cortisol. These stress hormones cause long-term damage to the body, including heart disease and other chronic conditions.
Now, imagine carrying that emotional weight for years, maybe decades. The bitterness you hold onto becomes a permanent part of you, affecting every relationship, decision, and experience. And while you're trapped in that storm of emotions, the person who wronged you may have moved on, oblivious to the toll their actions have taken on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Forgiveness offers peace. It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or allowing it to happen again. It simply means that you are no longer shackled by the negative emotions tied to the past. You are releasing the poison and choosing life.
Forgiving for Yourself, Not for Them
One of the most common misconceptions about forgiveness is that it’s for the benefit of the person who wronged you. In reality, forgiveness is entirely for your own benefit. It’s about your healing, your peace, and your ability to move forward. As a trauma-informed coach, I’ve seen countless cases where individuals refuse to forgive because they believe that it lets the abuser off the hook. However, what they don’t realize is that by holding onto resentment, they are continually allowing the abuser to occupy space in their mind and heart.
There’s an emotional release that comes with forgiveness, a sense of freedom from the past. Clinical studies, such as those led by Dr. Everett Worthington, a psychologist and leading researcher in forgiveness therapy, show that forgiveness can lead to significant improvements in mental health, including reductions in depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). For victims of abuse, this release is particularly profound. Forgiveness does not erase the trauma, but it helps victims stop reliving the trauma and gives them the emotional strength to rebuild their lives.
Finding Peace Through Forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. It is a journey, one that requires self-compassion, patience, and the willingness to heal. Some people find peace immediately after forgiving, while for others, it is a process that unfolds over time.
Just imagine: if you're holding onto a grudge, there’s a constant heaviness in your mind and body. But when you choose to forgive, you release that tension, that weight. The energy that once fueled anger and resentment can now be used to nurture your own well-being, your passions, and your relationships.
Forgiving someone is not a sign of weakness or surrender—it’s an act of self-preservation. It allows you to reclaim your power and break free from the control that the past holds over you. It’s a way of saying, “I will not let what happened to me define my future.”
In the words of Nelson Mandela, who forgave the very people who imprisoned him for 27 years, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” By forgiving, we free ourselves from the emotional chains that bind us to our pain.
The Choice Is Yours
At the end of the day, forgiveness is a choice—a deeply personal one. Whether or not you choose to forgive someone who hurt you is entirely up to you, and no one else can make that decision for you. But as I often tell my clients, I would encourage you to forgive for your own good.
Choose forgiveness not because the other person deserves it, but because you deserve peace. Forgive not because you are weak, but because you are strong enough to let go. Forgive not because it’s easy, but because holding onto anger is far more difficult.
It’s your call.
Dr Dhivya Pratheepa
ICF and CPD Accredited Somatic trauma-informed coach.
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